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Our writers benefit from our extensive network, social media publicity and much more benefits.

What we share? Passion for amazing relationships

We'll talk about a variety of perspectives on monogamy. Even poly. But at the end of the day, GetLusty believes your relationship can be beautiful between you two. Sex doesn't have to get stale or boring after years of love. Communication doesn't have to erode. If you choose to experiment, that's wonderful! But at the end of the day, we're all here to help you love better.

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We support gay and straight couples equally. We believe in marriage equality. We support loving long-term relationships. Are you bi-sexual or gay? We want to hear from you! We're looking especially for writers to represent these perspectives. We'd love to feature specific advice that you've learned along the way. Would you like to hear about sex with disability? We're looking to empower those voices, too!

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You have read this article advice / Education / for couples / for men / for women / Gay / Updates with the title Education. You can bookmark this page URL https://tangocupcakees.blogspot.com/2013/01/writer-get-your-articles-featured-on.html. Thanks!

Is Your Relationship Really Ready for Polyamory?

So we just jumped straight into polyswinging and then polyamory. It's going to keep popping up, of course. Why? We're all about exploring ways to make your relationship better. Polyamory might be it? You never know. O.M. Grey, a knowledgeable polyamory writer and prolific blogger, talks about the characteristics of a polyamorists. Is your relationship ready for polyamory? O.M. Grey explains more. Read on!

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I’ve learned so  much in the past two years. And I’m going to share it with you without holding back. Not even a little bit. This is “my truth,” as the new-agey, responsibility-avoiding people like to say.

My husband and I have been polyamorous for about seven years. Although, I suppose the first few were much more about being a non-descript form of an open marriage since we weren’t seeking multiple, committed, loving relationships. The theory behind our lifestyle is what I’ve said again and again: Love breeds love and desire breeds desire. Any encounter we had outside our marriage during those first few years were very open and the intentions on both sides were very, very clear.

When we moved into practicing polyamory (seeking out another committed, loving relationship) I learned not everyone has the same definition of polyamory as us. Well, as those people who are successfully practicing a polyamory lifestyle do.

So let's take apart, "poly" and "amory" to understand better.

What is poly?

Most people who love to call themselves (and hide behind) “poly” are really focused on quantity rather than quality. Alright. I can have more than one girlfriend/lover. So, I’m going to have three! Because, let’s see... I’ve never been able to make a relationship with one woman work long term, so I’m going to try with three! That’s the ticket! That’s the answer! That’s where I’ve been going wrong for the past 15 years!

Most people I’ve met in the Austin poly community are not practicing polyamory. They’re dating. They go from several short-term relationships to several short-term relationships, none lasting more than 3-6 months. Hello! Not polyamory! That’s dating! And not dating very successfully because they keep ending!

Also in the Austin, poly community are several truly polyamorous families. They are what’s known as the “core group.” One of them even call themselves the polypod, and I think that’s rather adorable. The polypod, from what I’ve seen (and I’ve only seen them from a distance), as well as the few other multi-relationship groups who I know a little better and I’d consider friends, are doing it well. And by well, I mean successfully. They are open, honest, respectful, loving and supportive. They commit and invest in their relationships.

They might have casual sex on the side from time to time, but it’s after their current relationships are firmly established and secure. Because, after all, it’s about more love… not more sex. And the few times you need to fulfill that biological need with someone different, then be honest about that. Never lie to get laid. How disgusting.


What about 'amory' or love?

The most successful polyamorous relationships I’ve seen focus much more on the “amorous” part of the word, less on the “poly” part. It’s about love! It’s all about love! Relationships take effort, investment, time and energy to solidify. If you claim to be poly, think about this: If you want to be poly, think about this:

Take. One. Relationship. At. A. Time.

When your first relationship has a solid foundation (and I mean SOLID foundation), the kind that takes at least a year, if not more, to establish, then look for a second one. This is not a race to see who can have the biggest harem. And, by the way, if you’re building a harem. YOU’RE NOT POLY! You’re a misogynist and a predator who sees women as life support systems for their pussies.

How to become polyamorous 

Romantic relationships contain drama (how I’ve come to loathe that word). It’s built in. Everyone has their insecurities and their baggage. Everyone has their idiosyncrasies. It takes time to build a solid foundation and learn how to communicate with each other. Build trust. Establish and maintain intimacy. Minimize and handle inevitable conflicts. Ease through misunderstandings. Manage fears and insecurities on both side. Get to a level of comfort and security in yourselves and each other.

Then, open up to dating others. I’m not talking about casual sex unless that’s specifically what you’re looking for. If it is, be very up front about that. Because polyamory means multiple, loving, committed relationships, or the pursuit thereof. Set clearly defined rules and don’t break them, or that will damage the trust you just spent a year building. Once you meet someone you think you can form a deeper relationship with, close off dating others. Focus on solidifying that second relationship while maintaining the first for another year!

Insecurities will pop up. Jealousies (and yes, they don’t magically disappear when you label yourself polyamorous) and misunderstandings will arise.

Give yourself time to learn about, develop, and nurture this other love. Commit yourself to making it work, for, again (and I repeat myself so much because so many people just don’t get it).
  
Healthy relationships require effort, investment and responsibility!

After the second relationship is solidified and the first is stronger than before, and you still have extra time/needs that aren’t being met, then look for a third relationship. But always remember, finding another significant other isn’t about finding someone better, it’s about increasing the love and the desire among your own little polypod. It’s about ensuring that everyone you love feels loved, not ignored or pushed to the side or replaced.

It’s about more love. Always, more love.

If you don’t have time/energy/capacity to manage, maintain, nurture, and grow one or two relationships, plus your job, plus your kids, plus time for yourself and your friends – why do you want another? It’s a recipe for disaster and heartache on many levels. You don’t date someone for three months and say, “Okay, ‘primary’ – check. We’re ‘solid,’ so who’s next?”

Fuck that. You’re not solid after three months. You’re barely starting. And if you run at the first sign of struggle, then, guess what, you're not a poly! If you find yourself saying “I want to be able to do what I want when I want, without responsibility or accountability,” then you’re not poly. You’re selfish.

The last two years have been difficult, as you all have seen from reading this blog, especially the past few months. Do you really think my marriage could’ve survived (let alone thrived and gotten stronger) if it hadn’t been quite literally unshakable?

And for those of you looking for you 100%-genuinely-happy-all-the-time-easy-no-drama-or-responsibility-perfect love? Grow the fuck up. There is no such thing. When you are a perfect partner, you’ll find your fairy tale perfect love. And let me tell you, mister, you’ve got a long fucking way to go. I guess the anger portion of the grieving has set in. It’s about fucking time.

This was a post by O.M. Grey. The original post can be found on her blog here.

Nestled in the mountains of Northern California, Olivia M. Grey lives in the cobwebbed corners of her mind writing paranormal romance with a Steampunk twist. She dreams of the dark streets of London and the decadent deeds that occur after sunset. As an author of Steamy Steampunk, as well as a poet, blogger, podcaster, and speaker, Olivia focuses both her poetry and prose on alternative relationship lifestyles and deliciously dark matters of the heart and soul.

Her work has been published in various anthologies and magazines like Stories in the Ether, Steampunk Adventures, SNM Horror Magazine and How The West Was Wicked. Her premier Steampunk BDSM erotica novel, Avalon Revisited, is an Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller. She loves to host tea parties, and she runs a delightful game of charades, Victorian style. Follow her on Twitter @omgrey and subscribe to her on Facebook.

You have read this article Communication / Education / emotional / for couples / for men / for women / Health / Marriage / monogamy / O.M. Grey / polyamory / relationships / romance / stronger relationship with the title Education. You can bookmark this page URL https://tangocupcakees.blogspot.com/2012/12/is-your-relationship-really-ready-for.html. Thanks!

His 10 Erogenous Zones You Should Know

We all have those places where we love being touched. Those places where, if your man touches you, it send chills running down your back. Those are your erogenous zones! You get goose bumps and makes you, dare I say, moist. Your man has those special spots, too. Want to start of your sexual session a little slower? Touch, massage or gently rub these erogenous zones! It makes your sexual experience longer and more wonderful to say the least. Our Crimson Love reports.

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#1 Neck & shoulders

Men love to have their necks kissed, licked, sucked, touched and rubbed. Why? The skin on the neck, collar bone and the back of the neck are very sensitive. The neck is most definitely an erogenous zone. The lightest touch can awaken his body and his sexual desires. Surprisingly or unsurprisingly, the neck is an excellent place to start in making him beg for your love.

#2 Fingers

Surprised? Don't be! The fingers, especially the finger tips, have a high sensitivity due to a high concentration of nerves. Next time you're feeling frisky, take your mans hand, nibble on his finger tips, let your teeth graze the pads of his fingers, gently lick them and see where it gets you.

#3 Inner thighs

The inner thigh, even though it tends to be a bit fleshy will have him at your mercy. Light butterfly kisses, soft caresses and licks will have him pitching a tent with some premium wood in no time. Though his inner thighs might be slightly hairy, they're still super sensitive and even a bit ticklish.

#4 Tailbone/spine

Oh yes, ladies. Take in all of the delicious soft moans your man will make when you release your touches and caresses on his lower back. The spine and tail bone are composed of bundles of nerves and when lightly caressed, licked, or kissed will send pleasure coursing through your mans' body.

#5 Lips

Yes this is obvious but let's not neglect it. Your man needs and loves to be kissed. The Lips are one of the most sensitive parts of the human body. Do you ever pay close attention to your man when you kiss him? Next time pay really close attention to how his body reacts and you will realize that that kiss does more than just make his lips moist. Nibble, suck, lick and bite away!

#6 Abdomen

You know how good it feels when you rub your tummy? Well imagine how good it feels to your man when you kiss, lick and nibble his. It's a very sensitive area, especially when your move lower towards the groin. Starting at the top and working your way to the bottom. By the time you meet his dick, he may already even be hard. But no rush, it's not about his dick right now. Waiting to great his genitals makes it all the more loving and intimate.

#7 Ears

Why are ears erogenous? The outer ear contains thousands of nerve endings, many of them concentrated on the ear lobe. For this reason, the ear is an erogenous zone for many people. Want to get sexy? Try this move on for size! While you're sitting and watching a movie or TV, caress and massage his ears or nibble and lick them. This will not only relax him, but get him in the mood for some serious play time.

#8 Forearms 

Why you ask? Think about the last time you got goosebumps? You felt them especially on the hairs of your arms. Massaging or just touching gently this forearm area will get that same effect. Want to try it out? Gently rub the softer skin on the underside of his arm. He may even get goosebumps and chills, not to mention it sends clear messages of your "loving" intentions.

#9 Mind

You can metaphorically connect with your partner with your amazing intelligence and wit! The brain is the largest sex organ and most multifunctional. Play a sexy game with your partner all day, sending naughty text messages and e-mails. When you get home that night have something sexy and surprising prepared, you will be sure to blow his mind!

#10 Scalp/ head

If your man is in the shower, offer to wash his hair and massage his scalp for him. I guarantee your naked body won't be the only thing he is standing at attention for. There are even certain ways to massage his head before, during or after sex. What? You're massaging him after sex!? You're such a good lover! That will definitely earn you brownie points.

This is a guest post by GetLusty staff writer Crimson Love. Crimson is our resident fetish expert with years of experience 'in the scene'. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone! Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson at amber@getlusty.com. 

You have read this article advice / anatomy / better sex / Communication / crimson love / Education / emotional / for couples / foreplay / intimacy 101 / Orgasm / romance / Sex / Sexy with the title Education. You can bookmark this page URL https://tangocupcakees.blogspot.com/2012/12/his-10-erogenous-zones-you-should-know.html. Thanks!

6 Tips for Success: Vulva 101 (NSFW)

At GetLusty, we have to admit it; we love vagina. Vagina's come in all shapes, colors and sizes, so we aim to showcase all kinds of vagina's in our articles--not just the touched up one's. Now, last week we talked about loving the vagina—whether its your own or your partner’s.

In this article, we'd like to tell you a little bit about what makes a vagina happy and healthy and on great days, horny. GetLusty's Tia Shine reports.

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First off, grab a hand mirror. I’m not going to ask you to touch it—just take a look at it. Don’t worry—we’re doing this together. Now, don’t go looking for the vagina—you’re not going to see it. What you are going to see is the vulva. Most women do not know that what we actually can see with the naked eye is called the vulva. The vagina is the actual canal that leads from the opening to the cervix.

Notice your curves

First thing you should notice—there is a layer of fat where pubic hair grows. That’s called the mons pubis. It is there to protect the vaginal bone and heighten sexual arousal as part of the clitoral complex. It connects to the labia majora, the outer lips of the vagina, which are also used as boundaries to protect the vulva. Within the labia majora, we have the labia minora, which are strongly connected to clitoris. 

Find your clitoris

Like I mentioned in my previous article, Ode to the Vagina, seventy percent of women experience orgasms from the clitoris. Just a suggestion—learn to love your clitoris. With 8000 nerve endings, it is there solely for pleasure and can provide you with sexual euphoria, time and time again. Confused where all of this is? Look at this picture and remember—starting from the mons pubis, you have your urethra, the vaginal opening, and then the anus. This seems elementary, but “which lucky hole is it?” is a question many women ask themselves when putting in their first tampon.

More on the vagina

The vagina. It has a few functions—it is used for birthing, sexual pleasure, and the release of blood during menstruation. It can get longer and wider depending on the time of the month, the penis of the moment, or the birth of the year.

A word on the G-spot

Inside the vagina, there lives the oh-so popular, yet controversial part: the G-spot. The Gräfenberg spot was discovered in 1981 and is considered to give women longer and more intense orgasms than the clitoris. It is known to be two to three inches inside the vagina against the front wall. If you’re interested in finding it, go for it!

Slip one or two fingers and put pressure in the direction of your stomach and you should feel a small, bean-shaped organ. If you do not want to do it yourself, you can use a vibrator or even your partner. Go ahead—your vagina is ready when you are. With that said, below are a few ways to make sure your vagina is feeling good all year long.

Bonus! Tips for the success of your vulva & vagina

1) Notice your vaginal discharge. It is the mucus your vagina releases as a way to clean and protect the vagina from bacteria.

Every woman differs in the amount, but for the most part, it is a clear mucus that is released from the vagina during all moments of the day and can vary depending on the woman’s cycle. It also tends to increase during your sexy-time with your partner and even when you have a few dirty thoughts during work. It is an expression used by the vagina to let us know how horny and how healthy we actually are.

2) Get to know your smell. Every woman has a distinct smell that comes from between her legs. If it smells a little different or more potent than usual, think about the last time you showered. Also, remember that the vagina may smell differently when you are ovulating, menstruating, or sexually aroused. If uncertain, talk to your gynecologist.

3) Don't douche. You do not need to douche your vagina. It is unnecessary and could actually cause infections and unhealthy bacteria in the vagina. Just wash thoroughly while you’re in the shower and that should be enough.

4) When you are sexually aroused, do not be alarmed of your labia minora and majora appear swollen and/or red. You more than likely do not have an allergic reaction to your lube or are blushing with your lady parts—you’re just super turned on.

5) Some people say you should wear 100% cotton panties while you sleep, but I say let your vagina take a breather. It’s usually the only chance she gets to get some much-needed fresh air.

6) Treat her well. Wear silky underwear if that makes you feel sexy. Give her a little love in the morning when you wake up or before you go to sleep—or both. Surprise her with a midnight porn session.

From this article, you can tell the last thing the vagina is is easy—she’s intricate and purposeful. So keep her happy, healthy, and horny.

Thanks to the Beauty of Vagina's Tumblr for the gorgeous vagina pics! Love your vagina, ladies. There is NO wrong way to have a vagina!

Call her Tia. She's a recent graduate of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. During her college career, she was part of a volunteer group called the Sexual Health Peers where she bonded with like-minded, sex-positive people from various backgrounds and orientations. She has taught workshops on STDs, birth control, safe sex, and relationships. It was one of the highlights of her college career and allowed her to get involved in Planned Parenthood of Illinois in Action. She was a Campaign Organizer who stood for the reproductive rights of women in Illinois.

As a third-wave feminist, she currently works in the makeup industry promoting what she believes in: women should feel and be as beautiful as they want to without scrutiny. She believes in teaching factual and healthy outlooks on sex and relationships as a way to create a sex-positive culture where future generations can thrive.

You have read this article Education / for women / foreplay / oral / Tia / Vagina / women with the title Education. You can bookmark this page URL https://tangocupcakees.blogspot.com/2012/12/6-tips-for-success-vulva-101-nsfw.html. Thanks!

Dildo 101: The History of the Phallus

From Freud to historical art, we love history at GetLusty headquarters! We love history so much that we want to learn as much as we can about sex's past. Just recently we dove into the history of the blowjob. Since we got great response to that post, we decided to give you all the history of the dildo! Where did the dildo come from and who invented it? Well, Bethany Kibblesmith is here to answer all your historical questions revolving around this phallic toy.

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Have you wondered where and when your favorite phallic friend sprang into existence? Well, the history of the dildo is actually quite an interesting story. It’s a long one, too.

Fake penises have been a part of human culture since before we had writing, metal tools and agriculture. The oldest phallus found that could have been used for insertion dates back around 30,000 years, hailing from Germany. Archaeologists have all but called this a dildo. The reluctance to label it a dildo is one I share, because it’s so difficult to substantiate claims on prehistoric cultures.

As well, it’s impossible to tell whether these were used by women, men or both, and such claims have a tendency to ruffle various feathers. You can’t very well tell Swedes that the most recently found Ice Age “baton” (archaeologists’ codeword for dildo) was probably up their ancestor’s butt. At least not without proof. It’s hard enough to call things dildos, with the assumption that they were for vaginal insertion.

Labeling artifacts as sex toys is even trickier when you consider that almost all cultures have had a fertility god at some point in their existence, and subsequently we have an absolute truckload of fake penises used for religious purposes. As for masturbatory uses, women have used wooden dildos, leather ones, and stone dildos. They were even sometimes made of tar and straw. Yikes!

The dildo has a surprisingly public presence throughout history. Greek comedies have many references to women buying or using dildos, and in one play mourning the loss of hers. Poems and plays told tales of lusty, dildo-obsessed women and dildo-makers hiding their real profession under various fronts. One Greek vase even shows a man inserting a dildo into a woman’s anus while she fellates a different man (Greek sexuality is a whole other article).

While it was usually used for comic effect in Greece, other parts of the world saw the dildo very differently. Chinese women, for example, used dildos that were made of lacquered wood, and lovingly crafted with grooves, bumps and all kinds of stimulating little details. Lacquer was made from beetles at this time, and this was an expensive, time-consuming process. What this tells us is how important a pretty dildo was! More seriously, dildos weren’t being hidden away shamefully, but were in fact significant enough for lacquer.

India had a similar lack of embarrassment for dildos. The Kama Sutra, as one of the most well-known sexy texts, is a great source for old-timey dildo information. It lists FIVE different ways to construct dildos, along with very detailed instructions on what materials to use. What is most significant in this, is the dildo is incorporated into coupled sex, not masturbation. Furthermore, the incorporation of sex aids was solely for improving the woman’s pleasure. This positive attitude towards women’s sexual pleasure is much more common in Eastern history than in Europe.

Europe presents a stark contrast to India and China. For example, in a medieval penitential — a book listing sinful acts and corresponding punishments — the reader is quizzed as to whether she has ever fashioned a fake penis for her sexual pleasure. In fact, the penitential goes so far as to correlate women’s lust to the size of the dildo they fashion. The punishment ascribed? Penance on holy days, for five years. I don’t know how much you know about medieval religiosity, but there were a lot of freaking holy days.

It is from England, though, that we get the word dildo. At least by the 1590s, dildo referred to penises. To the right, you'll see examples of 18th Century dildos from England. The word was common in bawdy songs, and even appeared in a Shakespeare play. When the word dildo was used, it was in a naughty sex song intended to make listeners laugh. “Signior Dildo” is a perfect example, and contains tons of innuendos and sex puns.

Dildos have appearances in pornographic literary works, from the 17th century onwards. Victorian private diaries chronicle dildo usage. Saul Bellow and Williams S. Burroughs refer to them in their 1950s era books. And of course, the dildo’s incorporation into pornography gradually begins around the 1900s, around the time of photography’s rise, until it becomes a mainstay for masturbatory and lesbian flicks.

As a whole, culturally, technologically, and so on, humanity has advanced far past the days of the medieval era. However, there is one aspect in which we haven’t advanced at all: the humorous aspect of the dildo has yet to lose any of its power. Though John Wilmot’s “Signior Dildo” was published 339 years ago, dildos are still a punch line.

Women and sexuality are still complicated subjects for most people. Treating something used for solo pleasure humorously actually shows a lot of distrust and insecurity, possibly because it excludes men. Women who admit to masturbating are still sometimes treated oddly, like hypersexuals, and vibrators and dildos are relegated to the sock drawer, the shoebox in the closet, or some other hidden little spot. Women are expected to be mortified if their dildo is uncovered unexpectedly, rather than shrug it off and say, “Yeah, that’s mine. So what?” Even though progressive attitudes toward sexuality have been increasing more and more as time passes, sex toys and masturbation are still somewhat taboo.

Worldwide, there are still countries where dildo possession and selling is illegal. Ironically, considering its history, India is one of these countries. What might surprise you is that it’s only in recent times in the U.S. that laws against sex toys have been abolished.

Texas only legalized dildos in 2008. Alabama, in fact, still has laws against the selling of sex toys, to this very day. What makes this issue more complicated are the use of religious rhetoric and religious leaders classing sex toys in biblical arguments. An Irish preacher went so far as to say “there is no moral way to use one of these devices” and blamed the humble dildo for causing poor morals and promiscuity. Never mind that exactly zero babies and STDs have been caused solely by dildo use.

Today, regardless of illegality in some countries, glass, acrylic and silicon dildos vary wildly in shape and size. Many are beautiful enough to set up on a shelf like any other artwork. If you’re looking to buy one, for your health’s sake, please avoid PVC! I know they’re a little cheaper, but other materials are safer. PVC leaches out cancer and birth defect causing chemicals, and it cannot be sterilized. Silicon, glass and steel are much better options for your health, and will last much longer. Consider what stimulation would please you best and look for a good material in the shape best designed for that kind of stimulation.

We're very excited to have Bethany Kibblesmith as GetLusty's newest writer. She's passionate about keeping it sexy inside and outside the bedroom in her own relationship and in yours.

Bethany is twenty-two and an English major. When she isn't scrambling to finish homework, she's with her boyfriend, reading, doing yoga or cooking. She enjoys the finer things in life like, secondhand clothes, warm showers, and socks without holes. She writes plays when she isn't writing for school or GetLusty. And if you meet her she will, without question, make a sex joke at some point. Email her at Bethany@GetLusty.com if you have any questions!

You have read this article bethany / Education / history / sex toy tuesday / Sex Toys with the title Education. You can bookmark this page URL https://tangocupcakees.blogspot.com/2012/12/dildo-101-history-of-phallus.html. Thanks!

Best of November: 7 Must-See Sex Positive YouTube Channels

We're all about sex positivity and sex education. So what better place to learn about sex than YouTube? You'd think the opposite, and that could be true. However, YouTube provides a lot of great material from a variety of different sources. For topics relating to sex and relationships, videos are indispensable. Here are some of our favorite YouTube channels. GetLusty's Andrew Ewald reports.

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#1 ReidAboutSex

According to Reid's site, "If Dr. Ruth and Jon Stewart had a son, that son would be Reid Mihalko." A sex and relationship expert who uses humor, insight, and solid facts to teach adults how to live better lives.  For Reid, sex and intimacy do not have to be scary.  They are experiences that can increase confidence, health, and humor.

An intuitive and educated speaker, he has also been the writer and producer on a number of films and television programs on relationships. He believes that everyone has the power to turn a mediocre relationship into something fun and healthy.

#2 Dan Savage

Simply put, GetLusty for Couples ♥'s Dan Savage! 

Dan Savage is a writer and activist most known for his sex advice column "Savage Love" and as the co-founder of the It Gets Better Project. He is also the editor of Seattle's weekly alternative newspaper, The Stranger, and an executive producer on the It Gets Better special for MTV. Dan is starring in the upcoming MTV series Savage U. Also follow this sex education rock star on Twitter @fakedansavage.

#3 Love, Learn and Get Laid by Laci Green

Created by University of California, Berkeley graduate Laci Green, the show tackles large sexual issues in a nonchalant, unpretentious way. Don't be fooled by her laid-back approach: She is an extremely passionate activist and social-worker.

The 27 year-old San Franciscan, "blog-blogger, social scientist, asparagus lover & artichoke dipper," is all over the internet with her Facebook, Tumblr, YouTube, Twitter @gogreen18, and lacigreen.tv. She is also a huge supporter of sex education and Planned Parenthood. 

#4 Kicesie's Sex Ed

According to her YouTube page, "I am a peer, not a professional! I don't have professional knowledge on any subject yet...I spent hundreds of hours researching and putting together information. I encourage everyone to do their own research as well!" Kicesie Drew's straightforward videos showcase her findings on advanced sex education.


#5 Sex with Emily

This is an extremely comprehensive channel that deals with all aspects of relationships, no matter how taboo or mundane they may seem. Created by sex and relationship expert Emily Morse. She is a prolific author, instructor, talk show host, podcaster, and recurring reality television personality on Bravo's Miss Advised.

She is also a well-respected news source and has been featured in The New York Times, Los Angeles Times, and San Francisco Chronicle. She holds two bachelors degrees from the University of Michigan in psychology and political science.

#6 Ask Dan & Jennifer

Sometimes a simple question and answer format is the best way to get sex advice. Dan & Jennifer Baritchi address many common and not-so-common concerns that viewers have. (Check out the podcast interview here at GetLusty for even more information.)

The most important, as well as useful, thing about this channel is how they address every aspect of a relationship. From flirtation to anal-sex, they have every base covered. They also test out a lot of products and let us know what works and what doesn't.

#7 New World Sex Education by Jaiya

According to her site, "Jaiya is an internationally recognized, award-winning sexologist, author of Red Hot Touch, and the founder of New World Sex Education; a company dedicated to using 'real' sex education to help men and women get the sex lives they desire."

Her passion for helping people is undeniable and she is extremely open about her own experiences, both positive and negative. Jaiya puts great emphasis on the idea that sex is not simply an act that people do, but an expression of being alive.

Andrew Ewald is a GetLusty writer who spends most of his time reading, writing, cooking, and watching RuPaul's Drag Race with his girlfriend. He graduated from Western Michigan University with a Bachelor's in in English. He might act like a square, but nothing is taboo with this character. Connect with him! E-mail him at editorial@getlusty.com.

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Why I'm Not (Yet) Out Of The Closet About S&M

At GetLusty, we're all about communication and telling your spouse your true feelings. This holiday season, some of you might choose to come out to your families in one way or another, too. Think: introducing them a new spouse or pet?

We make choices everyday on what our friends, family and co-workers know about us. In this article, Clarisse Thorn, the S&M feminist, addresses the pros and cons of coming out in the 'real' world. She may not reveal her secret identity yet, but she does discuss what conditions she requires to come out. Though National Coming Out Day has come and past, talking to family or friends (maybe even co-workers) about your innermost sexual secrets can be complicated or near impossible. For more on what Clarisse is thinking about, read on!

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Today was National Coming Out Day. I cried when I saw Milk and I think outness can be an important political act, but I’m not coming out - not yet.

In 2008, I decided to take all my theories about S&M — and all my confused feelings — and use them for sex-related activism. I started Sex+++, my sex-positive film series in Chicago, which was an unexpectedly huge success. I volunteered at the Leather Archives, the world’s only S&M museum. I also began writing this blog. Soon, I was getting speaking engagements. Then I started publishing articles in big outlets. Always under the name, Clarisse Thorn.

I had several reasons for writing under a pseudonym:

#1 Employment

I thought I might want to explore a career path at a conservative company. In fact, I spent the first two years of my Clarisse-Thorn-time working for bosses who would not have been okay with the fact that I’m a decently well-known S&M writer.

The social climate now is somewhat liberal — it’s mostly okay to be gay, for example, or at least it’s more okay than it has been for hundreds of years. But S&M is something else. Less than ten years ago, a prominent U.N. employee named Jack McGeorge was publicly attacked in the media because he was an S&Mer. And while you might think times have changed, a sex blogger who called herself The Beautiful Kind (real name Kendra Holliday) lost her job in 2010 when her boss found out.

BDSM -and sexuality in general- is still very stigmatized. People who write openly and personally about sex are taking huge risks with their employability.

#2 Friends

I’m lucky because my parents are both very analytical, liberal thinkers; they’re deeply interested in gender politics, and they think my work is awesome. However, there are other people in my social network who would not be cool with Clarisse Thorn. For example, one of my closest friends comes from a hardcore religious family. I like her family. I’ve been to their house for Christmas. They’ve told me that I’m “a good influence” on their daughter, although they understand that I’m pretty liberal. But if they knew I was kinky, God only knows how they’d react.

Another example: a former boss of mine is very, very conservative. In fact, he’s a Tea Party member. This boss has always been incredibly kind and generous to me; I visit him occasionally even though I don’t work for him anymore, and he’s told me that he thinks of me like a daughter. Would he “disown” me if he knew about Clarisse Thorn? I don’t know.

Some people who work in sexuality say: “Well, I wouldn’t want to work for someone who can’t accept me as I am,” or “I wouldn’t want to be close to someone who wouldn’t be okay with my sexuality.” Maybe that’s true for them. But people are complicated, the world is a nuanced place, and I’ve drawn a lot of comfort and joy from these relationships, even if I disagree with those folks in some ways.

#3  Kids and marriage

I hope to have kids at some point. In U.S. culture, the most efficient way to go about that is usually to get married. I don’t want a potential husband to be in a position where people will assume he’s perverted just because he’s marrying me; if he wants to be out, then that’s fine, but I don’t want outness to be a precondition. I don’t want to risk his employment along with my own. If I’m going to meet a fiancé’s family, I’d rather they had the opportunity to get to know me as a person before they Google me and discover this. I mean, I’ve dated men whose families would have had trouble adjusting to the relationship because I was white. Imagine if they knew that I was a pervert.

And my poor potential kids! I mentioned Kendra Holliday earlier; her son has definitely caught some flak at school. I’m pretty sure the famous S&M writer Janet Hardy stayed in the closet, writing under the name Catherine Liszt, until her children were grown — I seem to recall seeing something she wrote where she described kids as “hostages to social stigma,” although I can’t find it now. (Update: Janet did stay in the closet until her kids were grown, but she doesn’t recall saying anything about hostages.)

#4 Personal Privacy

There are other reasons for being closeted. I am, in fact, nervous about having everyone in the world know details about my sex life (even though my writing is fairly vague, emotional, and political compared to most sex writing). Personal safety worries me, too.

There is something shadowy and romantic about having a “secret identity” — and as a dedicated child of the Internet since 1996, when anonymity was the norm, I always liked playing identity games. But this is more inconvenient and stressful than romantic. I mean, earlier this year I spoke at the biggest news media conference in the world. Imagine attending a four-day social media convention while preventing yourself from being photographed or identified. It was intense.

I like being able to shed the CT persona if I have to, although this writing has become so integral to me that it’s kind of difficult relating to people who don’t understand this aspect of me. On the other hand, the last three times I went to Wicker Park, I ran into people who know me only as Clarisse Thorn. And there have been many opportunities cross-pollinated among my various lives. People who know mostly my “real” self have given many leads to Clarisse, and vice versa.

I made a list a few years ago, of factors that I’d want to have in place before I came out of the closet:

#1 Either massive wealth (ha!) or a career trajectory that makes me certain I won’t ever need a job where CT’s existence is a drawback.

#2 Married to someone who doesn’t mind, with kids who are all grown up.

#3 Social changes such that there’s massively decreased social stigma around sexuality, especially S&M.

#4 Some factor that tips the balance towards making it worth coming out of the closet: i.e., some opportunity that I can’t take unless I come out, which I would be a fool to turn down.

#5 The development of Clarisse Thorn as a “legitimate” public intellectual.

I have put so very much energy into maintaining my privacy. But it has always chafed, too. I’m writing this now, because I’m really close to coming out. S&M has become way more culturally okay in the last five years. Clarisse Thorn has written for major media outlets and lectured at important cultural institutions, and an opportunity has come my way that I would be a fool to turn down.

I find myself on the brink of a decision that has been in the back of my mind for years. I’m hesitant. My cautious freelancer side tells me that I want some serious money in my hand before I make any big decisions. My list is incomplete. I’m not married. I don’t have kids yet. In this economy it’s impossible to be certain of anything, career-wise.

I’m thinking of making coming out into a game. It appeals to my geeky soul. Offering some kind of prize to a person who identifies me, as long as they document their Internet Detective procedures; this would be a great lesson of why long-term pseudonymity is impossible in the Information Age. I’d love to see how different people go about it!

I’m not there yet, though. I’m close. I’m so close. It will most likely happen soon, but I’m not quite there. I’m uncertain and scared and once I make this decision, I can never take it back. I’m waiting to see if a couple of things pan out.

Cross-posted with permission from Clarisse Thorn's blog.

Clarisse Thorn is a feminist S&M writer who has lectured from Berlin to San Francisco, and written from The Guardian to Jezebel. She wrote a book about men, dating, and sex called Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser; she's also got a best-of collection called The S&M Feminist. She's always writing something new, so check out her list of books.

Find her on Twitter @clarissethorn and Facebook.

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Sex Positive Parenting: 3 Common Questions & Answers

It can be hard enough to maintain a healthy sex life with your significant other, let alone having to teach your own children about it too. Sex can often be an uncomfortable topic for parents to talk about with their children, but it doesn't have to be. Being sex positive isn't just about being OK with sex and sexuality. Teaching your children a healthy view about sex can keep them from being sexually assaulted (imagine if they don't know what's appropriate and inappropriate?). GetLusty staff writer and mom is here again with some common questions and answers on sex positive parenting.

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#1 When should I talk to my kids about sex?

My motto is to talk to your kids as soon as they start asking, because that means they are interested and starting to pick up on life. Usually this happens around 8-10 years old, depending on your child, but some questions may happen sooner. You have to decide when the appropriate time is to explain certain things depending on how mature your child is.

My twins are about to turn 11 in January and they've pretty much asked about most things like periods, sex, how do people have babies, etc. Plus, they see plenty on TV and hear many things at school from other kids. However, when my four year-old asked me what my breasts are, I just told him they are part of my body because it's hard to explain biology and sex education to a child his age. When all else fails, use your judgement.

Also, if you do feel it's time to talk to them, but don't know how, you might want to refer to a few websites (we love Airial Clark of the Sex Positive Parent) for reference and GetLusty will continue to have more articles especially for sex positive parents. My preference is just to be straightforward and natural. Don't feel embarrassed. It's a normal part of life, and as parents it's our job to teach our children about it and we should do it in a positive manner so they don't grow up thinking sex is something bad or unnatural.

Sexual violence is a big problem in our world, so it's best to start teaching our children about sex while they are young. Sexual violence also starts early, so ensuring your kids know what's appropriate and what's not appropriate for them and others is essential. This was also noted by Maria Falzone, sex educator and comedian, in our podcast with her.

#2 Should I monitor what my children watch?

I used to think I didn't have to monitor what my children watched because, as a parent, you want to look at your children as innocent little angels. The truth is - they are not. They are human and naturally curious. I learned this the hard way one day when I logged into my Netflix account and reviewed the history of movies viewed. This is when I discovered that my son had been watching some swanky movies here and there.

I talked with him and let him know that it's not appropriate for his age and asked him why he had done it. He said he didn't know. Obviously, he was curious and that's pretty normal for his age. However, my point is that it's best to teach and educate your kids about sex as best as you can. Otherwise, they will be learning about it from the media, and the media might not always instill the same values that you may have as a parent.

While a few peeks here and there are innocent and normal, that doesn't mean you want your child doing it all the time. Even the Disney channel has some shows that I do not feel are a very good influence on my 11 year-old daughter. They make out and are disrespectful to their parents which I do not think is a good example for her age. At this time, in my opinion, she needs to be worrying about school and positive sex education.

#3 Condoms or abstinence?

It can be a difficult decision. Hand your child a condom or not give them one at all and tell them not to have sex. While certain religions may feel one way or the other, it is still important to teach your children about safe sex. Whether you teach your children abstinence or you teach them to use a condom, the importance of educating them about various STDs or STIs (check out our extensive list of STDs A-L and STDs M-T. Knowing is a must. You can teach your children abstinence, but that doesn't mean they will follow what you teach. It's important to make sure they are fully aware of the risks of unprotected sex and that all diseases are not curable.

We all hope our children will follow our advice no matter which standpoint we teach them from. From my perspective, the best way to prevent our children from making the wrong choices is by explaining all of the options available and why certain options are safer. We have to fully explain the consequences that can occur if they choose not to follow our advice and it's better to give examples of why. I usually show my children stories on the internet to give them something tangible they can visualize and see for themselves that what I'm telling them is real and my ideas are not just being made up.

As a child I had sex education in school. Unfortunately, many schools have cut sex education out for budgetary reasons, so that is why it falls on the parents even more now. Sex positive parenting isn't always easy, but it doesn't have to be rocket science. Just be yourself and be open and honest with your children to the best of your ability. Remember, when they start asking - start telling, because that means they're ready. While you may not be ready for "the talk", it is a job that must be done. Promoting sex as something positive is the first step to educating your child.

Good luck! As always, with any specific questions, please e-mail us at reply@getlusty.com or me directly and we'll get them answered!

Eileen Prouffe is a GetLusty staff writer with over ten years as a working mom trying to keep her love alive. If she's not having fun with her three kids, she's staring into the eyes of her loving husband. She looks forward to sharing her ideas, tips and knowledge with everyone to help improve relationships and put an end to dull sex lives. Get in touch with Eileen at eileen@getlusty.com.

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