How to Avoid Fights Through Negotiation

The holiday season can be bittersweet. Couples spend a lot of money on Christmas (an average of $271 per child member, for example). Time spent with family and other issues can result in arguments. Don't get us wrong. Every couple argues. In fact, arguing can be very healthy for a relationship. But how to communicate effective--argue better--is really the key. Drs. Chuck and Jo Ann Bird are sexologists and counselors so they know a thing or two about effective communication in the context of couples. Want to communicate better with your partner? Read on.

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Saying that communication is the key to a healthy relationship is like saying that an engine is a relatively important part of your car. It really shouldn’t need to be said, anymore.

But knowing that and acting on it are two different experiences. If communicating well was such an easy thing for couples, then why do so many couples have trouble doing it? The truth is that speaking from the heart is one of the most difficult things we do. When we have disagreements with the ones we love, it can lead to very emotional conversations and arguments. Of course, we are only upset because we care and it matters to us how our loved ones feel. Nonetheless, it is easy to get caught up in strong emotions and actually fail to communicate our needs in a way that will generate a positive response from our partners.

That’s why we recommend to our patients learning an important skill: negotiation. To negotiate means to discuss something in order to reach an agreement, confer. Whether you knew it or not, you probably use negotiation skills on a daily basis, however, these skills become especially important when you are in a relationship that you want to thrive. Here are some basic negotiation skills that you can start using today:

#1 First, go into the discussion with the mind set of making it a “win/win”, instead of trying to convince your partner to give in to what you want. Remember, you’re a team. Thus, when one person loses, the whole team loses.

#2 Be clear and state what you want.

#3 Focus your request on behavior changes.

#4 Try not to immediately say “No.” Instead, make a counter offer.

#5 Be willing and open to compromise. This means both of you must be willing to surrender something you want.

#6 Continue until you reach an agreement with which you both feel comfortable.

#7 Honor the agreement.

Here’s how it sounds when we do it poorly and when we do it right:

Not using negotiation:

Husband: “I want to go out with my friends on Friday nights.”

Wife: “FINE! You ALWAYS want to spend more time with them anyway!”

Using basic negotiation:

Husband: "I want to go out with my friends on Friday nights.”

Wife: “I want to spend time with you on Friday nights. Instead of every Friday, how about you go out with your friends one Friday night a month?”

Husband: “I want to spend time with you too, but I also like to spend time with my friends. How about I go out with them every other Friday night?

Wife: “Okay, just as long as we spend quality time together on our Friday nights.”

The difference in those two examples is the tone and the manner in which the disagreement was addressed. The first example showed someone who wanted to communicate a disagreement with her partner’s plan to go out, but it was all emotion with no path to a solution. The second example showed she could still communicate the same disagreement, but in a way that promoted a compromise that ended with a positive outcome. He is able to spend some time with his friends, while she secured the quality time that she wanted with her husband.

All this skill requires is the ability to step back and think for a moment before you respond. It’s perfectly natural to feel strong emotions with regard to your partner. However, by communicating your viewpoint the right way, you can actually convey how you feel in a way that can leading to solving the dispute instead of escalating it to become a bigger one.

If you think you’d like to learn more about these kinds of communication skills, please contact us and we can “negotiate” a consultation.

Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”. They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

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Why Straight Couples Should Support Marriage Equality in Illinois

How right is marriage equality? The fact that not all of the loving and consensually passionate couples out there aren't able to commit to one another. To put it simple: the legislation is outdated and needs to be revised. Thank goodness now, 9 states have legalized gay marriage so far. We at GetLusty think that's not enough.

But new news! Marriage equality is getting closer with the upcoming vote on Illinois legislation that could make IL number 10! According to the Chicago Phoenix, though, "A coalition of lawmakers, activists and organizations backing a bill that would legalize same-sex marriage in Illinois announced Thursday that despite intense efforts to pass the legislation in the lame duck session of the current General Assembly, a full vote on the bill may not happen." Activists in Springfield, including Anthony Martinez, Executive Director at The Civil Rights Agenda are still very hopeful. Again, according to the Chicago Phoenix, Anthony notes, “As I said before, legislation always meets bumps on the road; these things can turn on a dime.”

We've noted before that we support marriage equality. And because we've seen this image in support of marriage equality floating around the interwebs (including on our Pinterest page), we thought we'd share. It explains why loving straight couples should support loving gay couples in their right for marriage. Through food! Do you believe in marriage equality, too? We'd love to hear your thoughts in the comment section below! Want to find and share our pin from Pinterest? Check out the pin from Pinterest here!

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Is Your Relationship Really Ready for Polyamory?

So we just jumped straight into polyswinging and then polyamory. It's going to keep popping up, of course. Why? We're all about exploring ways to make your relationship better. Polyamory might be it? You never know. O.M. Grey, a knowledgeable polyamory writer and prolific blogger, talks about the characteristics of a polyamorists. Is your relationship ready for polyamory? O.M. Grey explains more. Read on!

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I’ve learned so  much in the past two years. And I’m going to share it with you without holding back. Not even a little bit. This is “my truth,” as the new-agey, responsibility-avoiding people like to say.

My husband and I have been polyamorous for about seven years. Although, I suppose the first few were much more about being a non-descript form of an open marriage since we weren’t seeking multiple, committed, loving relationships. The theory behind our lifestyle is what I’ve said again and again: Love breeds love and desire breeds desire. Any encounter we had outside our marriage during those first few years were very open and the intentions on both sides were very, very clear.

When we moved into practicing polyamory (seeking out another committed, loving relationship) I learned not everyone has the same definition of polyamory as us. Well, as those people who are successfully practicing a polyamory lifestyle do.

So let's take apart, "poly" and "amory" to understand better.

What is poly?

Most people who love to call themselves (and hide behind) “poly” are really focused on quantity rather than quality. Alright. I can have more than one girlfriend/lover. So, I’m going to have three! Because, let’s see... I’ve never been able to make a relationship with one woman work long term, so I’m going to try with three! That’s the ticket! That’s the answer! That’s where I’ve been going wrong for the past 15 years!

Most people I’ve met in the Austin poly community are not practicing polyamory. They’re dating. They go from several short-term relationships to several short-term relationships, none lasting more than 3-6 months. Hello! Not polyamory! That’s dating! And not dating very successfully because they keep ending!

Also in the Austin, poly community are several truly polyamorous families. They are what’s known as the “core group.” One of them even call themselves the polypod, and I think that’s rather adorable. The polypod, from what I’ve seen (and I’ve only seen them from a distance), as well as the few other multi-relationship groups who I know a little better and I’d consider friends, are doing it well. And by well, I mean successfully. They are open, honest, respectful, loving and supportive. They commit and invest in their relationships.

They might have casual sex on the side from time to time, but it’s after their current relationships are firmly established and secure. Because, after all, it’s about more love… not more sex. And the few times you need to fulfill that biological need with someone different, then be honest about that. Never lie to get laid. How disgusting.


What about 'amory' or love?

The most successful polyamorous relationships I’ve seen focus much more on the “amorous” part of the word, less on the “poly” part. It’s about love! It’s all about love! Relationships take effort, investment, time and energy to solidify. If you claim to be poly, think about this: If you want to be poly, think about this:

Take. One. Relationship. At. A. Time.

When your first relationship has a solid foundation (and I mean SOLID foundation), the kind that takes at least a year, if not more, to establish, then look for a second one. This is not a race to see who can have the biggest harem. And, by the way, if you’re building a harem. YOU’RE NOT POLY! You’re a misogynist and a predator who sees women as life support systems for their pussies.

How to become polyamorous 

Romantic relationships contain drama (how I’ve come to loathe that word). It’s built in. Everyone has their insecurities and their baggage. Everyone has their idiosyncrasies. It takes time to build a solid foundation and learn how to communicate with each other. Build trust. Establish and maintain intimacy. Minimize and handle inevitable conflicts. Ease through misunderstandings. Manage fears and insecurities on both side. Get to a level of comfort and security in yourselves and each other.

Then, open up to dating others. I’m not talking about casual sex unless that’s specifically what you’re looking for. If it is, be very up front about that. Because polyamory means multiple, loving, committed relationships, or the pursuit thereof. Set clearly defined rules and don’t break them, or that will damage the trust you just spent a year building. Once you meet someone you think you can form a deeper relationship with, close off dating others. Focus on solidifying that second relationship while maintaining the first for another year!

Insecurities will pop up. Jealousies (and yes, they don’t magically disappear when you label yourself polyamorous) and misunderstandings will arise.

Give yourself time to learn about, develop, and nurture this other love. Commit yourself to making it work, for, again (and I repeat myself so much because so many people just don’t get it).
  
Healthy relationships require effort, investment and responsibility!

After the second relationship is solidified and the first is stronger than before, and you still have extra time/needs that aren’t being met, then look for a third relationship. But always remember, finding another significant other isn’t about finding someone better, it’s about increasing the love and the desire among your own little polypod. It’s about ensuring that everyone you love feels loved, not ignored or pushed to the side or replaced.

It’s about more love. Always, more love.

If you don’t have time/energy/capacity to manage, maintain, nurture, and grow one or two relationships, plus your job, plus your kids, plus time for yourself and your friends – why do you want another? It’s a recipe for disaster and heartache on many levels. You don’t date someone for three months and say, “Okay, ‘primary’ – check. We’re ‘solid,’ so who’s next?”

Fuck that. You’re not solid after three months. You’re barely starting. And if you run at the first sign of struggle, then, guess what, you're not a poly! If you find yourself saying “I want to be able to do what I want when I want, without responsibility or accountability,” then you’re not poly. You’re selfish.

The last two years have been difficult, as you all have seen from reading this blog, especially the past few months. Do you really think my marriage could’ve survived (let alone thrived and gotten stronger) if it hadn’t been quite literally unshakable?

And for those of you looking for you 100%-genuinely-happy-all-the-time-easy-no-drama-or-responsibility-perfect love? Grow the fuck up. There is no such thing. When you are a perfect partner, you’ll find your fairy tale perfect love. And let me tell you, mister, you’ve got a long fucking way to go. I guess the anger portion of the grieving has set in. It’s about fucking time.

This was a post by O.M. Grey. The original post can be found on her blog here.

Nestled in the mountains of Northern California, Olivia M. Grey lives in the cobwebbed corners of her mind writing paranormal romance with a Steampunk twist. She dreams of the dark streets of London and the decadent deeds that occur after sunset. As an author of Steamy Steampunk, as well as a poet, blogger, podcaster, and speaker, Olivia focuses both her poetry and prose on alternative relationship lifestyles and deliciously dark matters of the heart and soul.

Her work has been published in various anthologies and magazines like Stories in the Ether, Steampunk Adventures, SNM Horror Magazine and How The West Was Wicked. Her premier Steampunk BDSM erotica novel, Avalon Revisited, is an Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller. She loves to host tea parties, and she runs a delightful game of charades, Victorian style. Follow her on Twitter @omgrey and subscribe to her on Facebook.

You have read this article Communication / Education / emotional / for couples / for men / for women / Health / Marriage / monogamy / O.M. Grey / polyamory / relationships / romance / stronger relationship with the title Marriage. You can bookmark this page URL https://tangocupcakees.blogspot.com/2012/12/is-your-relationship-really-ready-for.html. Thanks!

5 Reasons You Should Date (Your Spouse)

Dating, initially it's the relationship version of an audition. You go on dates to see how well your potential partner does in the reality show of life. However, if you have been in a relationship for a while and live together or are married dating is a way of keeping things fresh and interesting. To kick off our three part series on dating, let us present to you part one. Our list of five dating benefits. GetLusty's Crimson Love reports.

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#1 Keeps things fresh

Even though you have been in a relationship with someone for a while that doesn't mean that you don't need to or shouldn't date. Dating your lover keeps your relationship fresh.

You are both taking time to go out, get dressed up and enjoy being with each other. Doing things outside of your normal routine will add some excitement and give you the chance to fall in love again especially if you get creative!

#2 Exercising compromise 

Compromise is a fundamental aspect of relationships that we often forget. When it comes to planning a date with your love, you exercise your compromising skills often. Going on a date is a give and take that symbolizes many other areas of your romance. While planning can get tough (Honey, why you don't like hip lounges, anymore?) the proof is in the pudding. Come to an agreement on where to go, what to do, and what time and have a fabulous time.

#3 Learn about your love

Dating can also put you in the perfect position to learn more about your lover. Think you know your lover better than anyone else? Go on a date and do something new together and you will learn new things about your lover you never expected.

#4 Bond

It may seem like a no brainer but don't overlook this or take this for granted. Putting yourselves in a new situation like doing a new activity can bring you and your lover closer.

 You are both learning and doing something new and in the experience that you share you bond. Over time it's easy to grow apart and your relationship become stagnant so don't be afraid to take the time to re-bond.  

#5 Get romantic

Just because you have been dating for a while and you have surpassed your honeymoon phase doesn't mean you can't have romance. Romance is a necessity for relationships. Without that you have a friendship. That's not a bad thing but having romance helps you stay engaged with each other. Romance adds fuel to that burning flame you hold with your lover.

Dating in a long term relationship will help you maintain that solid foundation on which your relationship stands on. Make it a regular part of the time you spend with your  lover and it will surly prolong the life of your relationship.

This is a post by GetLusty writer, Crimson Love. Crimson is our resident fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's in Chicago. She is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson Love at editorial@getlusty.com. 

You have read this article advice / Communication / dates / for couples / LTR / Marriage / Negotiation with the title Marriage. You can bookmark this page URL https://tangocupcakees.blogspot.com/2012/12/5-reasons-you-should-date-your-spouse.html. Thanks!

Gents! 6 Ways NOT To Ask for Head

Quite a few men offline and online have asked this question. How can I get my partner to give me head? As usual, we're here to help. We understand asking your partner for a blowjob can be tricky. Most importantly, gentlemen, you don't want to appear to be a selfish lover. So for now, let's review the ways not to get a blowjob. GetLusty writer Crimson Love reports.

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#1 Don't be a selfish lover

If you are not willing to go down on your woman, don't even bother asking for a blowjob. Reciprocation is the best way to receive more love. Give and ye shall receive. Start enjoying cunnilingus. Ensuring that your lady comes first is the key to a great sex life. If she isn't orgasming (and you should know this by asking her, for example), how do you expect she's going to be extremely interested in your pleasure? She's worried about how she's going to be able to orgasm--not you! Not to worry, gents. We'll have more on selfish loving soon! And plenty of cunnilingus tips, too. Suffice to say, your goal should be her pleasure!

#2 Give positive feedback

As ladies, we don't enjoy hearing how horrible we are at giving head. Besides, how is that supposed to give me enthusiasm about going down on you? Don't tell her she should blow you because she needs the practice. That might get you a punch in the balls rather than get her to suck them. Instead, try telling her how much you enjoy feeling her mouth on your throbbing penis. That they've been waiting for her wonderful mouth. Tell her she makes you feel so amazing after you know she's been pleasured.


#3 Realize it's a privilege

Receiving head is a privilege. Not a right. So when you demand a blowjob as an expectation because, "that's what women do," you're very wrong. Be positive, and don't be demanding. When I say this, I mean don't act entitled like it's her life's mission to blow you all the time. Be patient. If you think that a blowjob should happen everyday--please tell your partner. Talk to her about it. Unless she's absolutely in love with giving you head, she should be aware of your issue.

#4 Don't compare your lady

If your lady isn't in the mood to give you a blowjob, don't compare her to your ex or an old fling. If you think it will inspire some sort of competition and make her want to do it, you're wrong. It won't and may likely do the opposite. Trying to trump up competition isn't a loving thing to do. Instead, try telling her how amazing it was the last time she did provide you that amazing pleasure of giving you an amazing blowjob. She's amazing! No one can please you like she can. That will get you much closer to getting a blowjob in the future.

#5 Don't coerce

Don't just force her head down there. I am pretty sure that if you do, you won't find her down there again any time soon. We women don't want to feel force or coercion. Why? Well, it provides negative associations moving forward. If she's experienced trauma in the past, you may be heading down a road of therapy--or even just long conversations about boundaries. Be nice and you will receive nice actions back.

#6 Don't get mad

If she refuses after your efforts just let it go and don't get mad. Instead try to figure out why she said no.  Be empathetic. There is likely a good reason why your lady isn't feeling in the mood to go down on you. Maybe she has a negative association. Could you imagine being in her position? If she got mad at you for not going down on her? It'd feel pretty bad.

Keep sex amazing, gents! Be patient, nice and understanding. We'll respond with love and amazing head. If not now--soon!

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson Love.
Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson Love at amber@getlusty.com.

You have read this article advice / Blowjob / Communication / crimson love / for men / foreplay / Marriage / Oral Sex / stronger relationship with the title Marriage. You can bookmark this page URL https://tangocupcakees.blogspot.com/2012/12/gents-6-ways-not-to-ask-for-head.html. Thanks!

9 Naked Date Ideas for This Weekend

Autumn is so romantic: the temperature is perfect for cuddling but still nice enough to leave the house, the food is sweet and savory and the entertainment is superb. Though Naked November came and left, that doesn't mean you can't still have a fabulous time naked! What better way to have fun then get naked? GetLusty's Crimson Love reports with ten ideas for having fun and getting naked at the same time!

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Holiday times can be rough. What better way to spend your time together than naked and having a ball?

#1 Naked board game night

Twister, anyone? Pick out your favorite game and make them a little more risqué. Make the stakes higher. For whoever wins, the sexy reward could involve cunnilingus, nipple play or anything else sexy. Ever consider sexy monopoly? Oh, yeah. Twister? Now you're thinking!

#2 Play out the scene to a movie

There is nothing quite like holding onto your partner while playing out a scene from, "The Lord of the Rings"! Is there a scene from a movie you both know so well you re-live it in your heads? Now how about naked? Being nude just makes everything more fun!

#3 Dance party!

Dance parties aren't just for Jersey Shore. This isn't the time to lower your heat. Get your own indoor dance party. Naked! You might even break a sweat. How about a quick shower after that dance party? Who hates showers with your lover? Thought so.

#4 Indoor picnic

How about setting up a warm romantic picnic in the middle of your living room? You don’t even have to put on clothes to leave the house. Rather than a meal, you can re-live the picnic setting. How about Champagne and strawberries? If you really want to get picnic-y, you could also bring in some AstroTurf. Or just some green clothes? Get creative!

#5 Add something to your bed

Get a new set of sheets. This will make your abode feel even warmer and make it even harder to leave. Take Sunday morning cuddles to the next level with satin sheets. Don't tell me that won't feel luxurious and wonderful when you're naked!


#6 Enjoy morning coffee together

Wake up earlier, cuddle, drink coffee and have some sort of pastry, if possible. Coffee in the nude is so much fun! You could also pick up a variety of creamers (Pumpkin spice? Eggnog latte?) and enjoy a little cream!

#7 Write a story together

Not just a story. Something creative. Do either of you paint? Write? Draw? Sit down together and share your passions. If you prefer to not be physically involved with another medium, read something you enjoy and lay together. Being creative while naked can take things to a different level.

#8 Bath time

When it's extra chilly, give your body some love with a bath or shower. Get clean, whip away the negative emotions about your body, and talk positively. How beautiful you are! How wonderful your partner is.

Our friend Bonnie Gayle, of Body Liberator, recommends especially during bath and shower time to love our bodies especially. So give yourself some love and tender attention. And give some of that to your partner, too!

#9 Have a cider date

Want to have a sweet and alcoholic date? Try different types of cider! Get several different flavors and brands to find out your favorite. They go very well with fall foods as well. Naked? Yes, even naked! Obviously, watch out when boiling the cider is the only issue. A little less dangerous than cooking bacon naked (think: oil), boiling liquids while naked is still slightly hazardous.

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson Love. Crimson is our resident fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson at amber@getlusty.com.

You have read this article dates / dating / for couples / Fun / Marriage with the title Marriage. You can bookmark this page URL https://tangocupcakees.blogspot.com/2012/12/9-naked-date-ideas-for-this-weekend.html. Thanks!

Problem Ejaculating? Dr. Dick Answers!

This is a guest post from Richard Wagner, Ph.D., ACS also known as Dr. Dick. GetLusty loves Dr. Dick! He has been a practitioner of Sex Therapy and Relationship Counseling for over 30 years. Today, he is here to answer a reader's question about why a man may not be ejaculating during sex, but can ejaculate while masturbating alone.

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Dear Dr. Dick,

We are a happy but frustrated couple looking for advice. I’m a 25 year old male, and my lovely girlfriend is 20.

"I have no problem bringing her to orgasm and pleasing her, but since we’ve been seeing each other I have not been able to cum once. In the past it was always difficult for me to cum during sex. My first time (age 18) my then girlfriend and I went for about three hours before we just gave up. Usually I would have to jerk myself off afterwards, but now I can’t even do that. However if I am alone with porn I am easily able to masturbate and can get off a few times a day. How is it that I can jerk off to pictures that mean nothing to me, but can’t cum for the woman I love the most?

I’ve spoken with a doctor and he said medically there is nothing wrong with my penis. What do you suggest we do? We are really getting frustrated and just want to be able to please each other.

Sincerely,
Dan & Rebecca

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Dear Dan & Rebecca,

Simply put, there’s a difference between the psycho-sexual response we have when we are alone and the one we experience with a partner. Your doctor is right, there’s probably nothing wrong with your unit. It’s all in your head, or your mind, to be more exact. And I’m not being flippant. If I had to guess, I’d say you have a real bad case of performance anxiety. Here’s how this nasty thing works.

Say I have a less than satisfying sexual experience for one reason or another. Before I know it, I’m replaying the incident over and over in my mind’s eye until that’s all I can think about. The proverbial molehill has become a mountain. I then bring my anxiety to my next encounter.

My hyper self-consciousness primes me for more disappointment. And I’m all prepared to interpret the disappointment as a failure.

Well, you can see where I’m going with this, huh? My fears become self-fulfilling and I find I’m beginning to avoid partnered sex and my relationship flounders, I develop a full-blown sexual dysfunction and my self-esteem takes a nosedive.

My preoccupation with my problem makes it less likely that I’ll be fully present during sex with my partner, which pretty much scuttles my sexual responsiveness and any hope for spontaneity. It looks to me like performance anxiety is putting a damper on your sexual arousal and short-circuiting your sexual response cycle. Get yourself to a sex-positive therapist ASAP! Believe me, this is nothing to fool around with, especially for someone at your tender age.

When I see this sort of thing in my private practice, I always begin the therapeutic intervention by calling a moratorium on fucking of any kind. This immediately takes a great deal of the pressure off the couple. From there we begin to rebuild the partnered psycho-sexual response one step at a time. We begin with sensate focus training, stress reduction and relaxation exercises. I have the greatest confidence in this method; it succeeds over 90% of the time.

Good luck,
Dr. Dick

This is a guest post from Richard Wagner, Ph.D., ACS - aka Dr Dick, sexologist, author, educator, syndicated sex advice columnist and publisher of Dr Dick's Sex Advice and Dr Dick Sex Toy Reviews. He's been a practitioner of Sex Therapy and Relationship Counseling for over 30 years.

Richard Wagner (Dr. Dick) affirms the fundamental goodness of sexuality in human life, both as a personal need and as an interpersonal bond. He knows the unhappiness and anxiety, which sex-negative attitudes can engender in individuals, alienating them from their own body and the bodies of others.

Find Dr. Dick on Twitter @DrDickSexAdvice.

You have read this article advice / Dr. Dick / for men / foreplay / Marriage / oral / Orgasm with the title Marriage. You can bookmark this page URL https://tangocupcakees.blogspot.com/2012/12/problem-ejaculating-dr-dick-answers.html. Thanks!

What Is Sexually 'Normal', Anyway?

Though the Kinsey Institute has multiple points around sexual averages of the American population at large, there are few places to find out about normality. Sometimes all we need is to hear we're normal. That everything is alright; having sex 3 times a week is a great amount of sex! That being dominated can be fun. But what about your normal? What is your normal and how do you make it better?

At GetLusty for Couples, we're all about ending boring sex. Because sometimes boring sex can become normal. So let's talk about that. What is normal? Do you want normal, anyway? Or do you want extraordinary? Amazing? Eric Amaranth is here to talk about normal. What is it and why it might not matter as much as we think.

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Define "normal"

Sex therapists, educators, and sex life coaches alike all get this question on a weekly basis. People have things in their sex lives that are hot for them, have desires to do things, look at how much sex they’re having and for how long etc. They wonder if where they are or what they’re doing is favorable compared to their neighbors’ sex lives or the collective in general. Sometimes the question pertains to physical characteristics. Anatomy questions aside, I answer: “We first have to define 'normal' and establish for one’s self a decision to have an extraordinary level of satisfaction with one’s sex life.”

Firstly, part of where people’s assumptions are derived is from how your doctor uses the word, “normal.” In this case, it denotes the lack of pathology/illness and proper function of some part of your body or mind. Abnormal. That’s something you hear in test results. We know what that means. Sometimes, but only in a minority of those times, you can use the terms normal and abnormal to categorize a sexual issue. Necrophilia, for example. Yes, definitely mentally abnormal in that doctor’s test sort of serious way. A penis with two heads. Not normal. However, I find in the majority of people’s sex lives, normal and abnormal take on opposite meanings.

One thing that’s very interesting is how often I found myself using the word “normal” during my sessions in reference to my clients’ questions, issues, and goals. A boring sex life? That’s normal. A guy who wants to get into someone’s pants for his pleasure alone and speedy release? Normal. Women who care more about what other women think about their bodies than how sexy their romantic partners think they are — normal. Women faking orgasms and for the same reasons every other woman does: normal. Men that expect great sexual feats from their wives or girlfriends when he’s not willing to reciprocate with learning what to do for her. Yeah, that’s normal.

I call them normal because the issues are so widespread in a great many people’s sex lives everywhere. In other words, to be expected. I can’t call something like a consistently and strongly orgasmic woman abnormal. I can’t call a couple who grow closer through their sex life together not normal. It’s obviously too negative. I call examples like these extraordinary. Everyone loves that word. Most of us want extraordinary things in our lives, but often those wonderful things are also technically not normal. Every time I tell this to clients it brightens their outlook and changes how they use the word “normal” instantly. Another viewpoint, I saw a graphic once that said: “Normal is a cycle on your dishwasher.”

"Normal" varies from person to person

Comparing your sex life to other people’s doesn’t propel a person forward. Crafting your sex life to your taste and customized design does. Start asking instead, “Am I extraordinary?” Then imagine what the extraordinary would be like for you. What would it look like, sound like, feel like? This is the very first step and some of the best free advice I can give to anyone who wants to improve her or his sex life.

Originally posted on Eric Amaranth's blog.

Eric Amaranth is a sex life coach who specializes in women’s and men’s sexuality, basic to advanced sex skills, and high-end sex education. Check out his website, Sex Life Coach NYC. Eric is not a psychology-based “sex therapist,” which is the term that the public uses to refer to every professional in his field, regardless of training background. After graduating from The College of William and Mary, he went on to become the ten-year protege of pioneering sex coach Betty Dodson, PhD.

Eric’s sex life coaching is made for adults. He has knowledge and methodology differences that set him apart from what psychology-based sex therapists have to offer. Eric works with clients from all over the world toward his ambitious goal that his brand of sex life coaching would one day significantly reduce the instances of divorce. Eric lives in New York City, in Manhattan, with his much-loved girlfriend. Find him on Twitter @Eric_Amaranth and subscribe to him on Facebook.

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