Confronting Our Fear of Porn

We think about porn a lot. We hear a few pieces of negative feedback around porn. However, porn is a popular topic and receives a lot of attention. No matter how much we try to say we're not interested, we are. When others are against feminist porn, one of the first things we ask is, "Why?". Mary Margaret-Sweene is here to talk about confronting the fear of porn in a series on thinking critically about pornography.

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On Monday, I introduced 5 of the most commonly held objections to porn. As porn has become more commonplace, those who have yet to embrace it have been placed in the Prude Corner. I also think that we've been conditioned to hide there, though. Think about it. Young men are all but encouraged to seek visual sexual stimulation. Young women are sent a clear message that sexual imagery is dirty, and female masturbation is rejected. And now suddenly we're expected to find it all exciting and fulfilling. That's a leap. Years of mixed messages often lead to a shut-down of the entire conversation, including our fears. But that's no way to solve a problem. So let's push them out into the light.

#1 "But I'll never look like that."

I'll never look like a lot of people. Actually, I'll never look like anyone but me. One of the easiest ways to start enjoying porn is to stop comparing yourself--and not just to porn performers. You'll feel more present in and out of the bedroom if you're present with yourself, rather than with who you are not. I also don't recall many faces from any porn I've ever watched. And I've definitely found co-workers and random strangers on the train attractive. But I don't really remember those faces much either. One face does stick with me, however: my husband's. And no matter how many faces I see in porn, it's his face during sex I remember, and want. And I've also seen his sleepy in the morning face, his opening a Christmas present face, and his playing with the puppy face. And this nuanced face is the one that keeps me coming (back).

#2 "Why do you need a sexual experience outside of me?"

Research shows that monogamy is not exactly natural. Now, that doesn't meant it doesn't work if that is what you have chosen. It just means that it's exactly that: a choice. Maybe I want to explore same-sex experiences, but I don't want to actually be physically intimate with anyone but my partner. Porn is a really good way to explore things that, for whatever reason, you don't really want to happen offline. Or, perhaps I haven't had a lot of sexual experience and I just don't know what to do or what I might like to try. Porn can help me find out.

#3 "Porn is violent"

Unfortunately, a lot of our initial experiences with porn are not good ones. Luckily, we've got lots of recommendations for porn that looks and feels consensual and amazing--feminist porn! A lot of mainstream porn sites don't have a ton of nuance. Or, we're introduced to it through a spam email that shows us something unsettling and scary. But not all porn is like this. And, you may have been viewing a consensual BDSM porn as well! Porn is a place of fantasy. If we're tender and sweet in the rest of our daily life, perhaps we want to show a rougher side during sex. If you're not ready for BDSM play yet, porn is a great way to warm yourself up. What turns us on is not always indicative of life away from the screen. I'm a huge fan of the TV show Breaking Bad. Yet all I can tell you about drugs, I've learned from that show. I don't have a desire to immerse myself in a meth-addled existence once the episode ends.

#4 "Is everyone consenting?"

When I was working as an HIV test counselor, I heard a lot of really awful sex stories. I heard more when I worked with rape victims. But I was somehow still able to engage in a healthy, consensual sex life of my own. I understood the difference. The same exists with porn. Are there porn performers coerced into being there? Of course. But there is also the other end of the spectrum. Feminist porn, for example. And as the Internet has given us more access to porn, it's also given us more access to information. Do some research to find porn with which you agree.

#5 "Porn will change my partners expectations."

I think this speaks a bit to our first fear, which we've already discussed. But aside from fearing an altered expectation of physical appearance, many people fear that their partner will start to expect different sex. And you know what? I think that's sort of okay. Look, we are a culture terrified of talking about sexuality. Devoting too much brain power to it is seen as a juvenile pursuit. So while you're spending most of your time avoiding talking about it, you're also not really talking about new ways to experience it. Viewing new experiences may be less awkward than actually discussing them at first. It may introduce you to things you end up absolutely loving. A change in expectation does not necessarily have to be a negative thing. What if you learn to expect better sex?

Mary-Margaret McSweene is a writer and graduate student in Chicago. Her undergraduate degrees are in Social Justice Studies and Feminist Theory which basically means she knows how to ruin a dinner party by calling bullshit on another guest. She spends inordinate amounts of time thinking, reading and writing about feminist issues, punctuated by brief respites to enjoy good tea and good beer. Contact her at editorial@getlusty.com or follow her on her brand new shiny Twitter, @MMMcSweene.

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